Ever have to get a gift for someone that you kind of pretty much don't like, but the obligation exists nonetheless? Well, I have a list for you. And I'm not saying who or what inspired these ideas. Or whether the who or what even exists. I might have just been thinking about these on my own. Except for the fact that they were a helluva lot funnier when I had someone specific in mind. Not that I did.
Anyway, make it special for them. Make it holiday-y. Oh you know what I mean. Yes--make it the 12 days of Christmas. For someone you really don't want to care about.
Warning: you will see how nasty and mean I can be. If you want to hold on to your impressions of me as an angel, go back to the last post about shortbread and peppermint
Day 1: A trial pack of Prozac, generic or brand-named, with a note saying "Wheeeeee!"
Day 2: Two articles of clothing you don't wear anymore, that you can "donate" to your [person you don't like but to whom you must give a gift even though they DO NOT deserve it]. Just stick those faded sweatshirts and PJ bottoms into a box and tie 'em with ribbon--they'll never know they were used! Don't forget to spritz with Febreze. An actual washing is completely unnecessary. The recipient (again, I won't say who) should be grateful for the injection of fashion into their lives, even if it comes into the form of sweatpants with elephants all over them. Not that I have those. I actually don't. Moving on...
Day 3: A variety pack of three matchboxes wrapped in pretty Paper Source paper, with a note saying "For when you need to pinch a big stinky loaf".
Day 4: Four lightbulbs--one for recipient [I won't say who] and three for his/her imaginary friends--with recipient's and totally hallucinatory friends' names written in puffy pen, with a note saying "For display purposes only".
Day 5: Five snails and/or dead rodents. No no silly haha I'm not talking about giving someone just a snail or rodent. Make sure they're dead (or not), shellack them, and glue them to cardboard.
Day 6: Six tasers with a note saying, "So people stop rolling their eyes and falling asleep when you talk!"
Day 7: Seven garbage bags, each clearly labeled with a different day of the week in big, glittery cut out letters.
Day 8: Eight pounds of dirt from nearest...dirt place. Pack it into a box, tie it with ribbon, and say it's real earth from Santa's special magic garden.
Day 9: A little dixie cup, with a note saying "For when you scrape the plaque off your teeth in public and want to remember it. Cup only holds scrapings from nine teeth".
Day 10: Collect your eye and nose boogers for 10 days. You will need to plan ahead of time to make this work. Squish into big ball, slap a bow on it, and tell recipient it's a toffee-flavored taffy ball.
Day 11: A pair of forceps (both tongs representing the numeral "11"), with a note saying "For when you decide to pry the stick out of your ass".
Day 12: A bottle of weed killer, with a note saying "The perfect solution for all that pesky facial hair you have!" (No relation to the number 12)