Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Gift Ideas

Ever have to get a gift for someone that you kind of pretty much don't like, but the obligation exists nonetheless? Well, I have a list for you. And I'm not saying who or what inspired these ideas. Or whether the who or what even exists. I might have just been thinking about these on my own.  Except for the fact that they were a helluva lot funnier when I had someone specific in mind. Not that I did.

Anyway, make it special for them. Make it holiday-y. Oh you know what I mean. Yes--make it the 12 days of Christmas.  For someone you really don't want to care about.

Warning: you will see how nasty and mean I can be.  If you want to hold on to your impressions of me as an angel, go back to the last post about shortbread and peppermint

Day 1: A trial pack of Prozac, generic or brand-named, with a note saying "Wheeeeee!"

Day 2: Two articles of clothing you don't wear anymore, that you can "donate"  to your [person you don't like but to whom you must give a gift even though they DO NOT deserve it].  Just stick those faded sweatshirts and PJ bottoms into a box and tie 'em with ribbon--they'll never know they were used! Don't forget to spritz with Febreze. An actual washing is completely unnecessary.  The recipient (again, I won't say who) should be grateful for the injection of fashion into their lives, even if it comes into the form of sweatpants with elephants all over them. Not that I have those. I actually don't. Moving on... 

Day 3: A variety pack of three matchboxes wrapped in pretty Paper Source paper, with a note saying "For when you need to pinch a big stinky loaf".

Day 4: Four lightbulbs--one for recipient [I won't say who] and three for his/her imaginary friends--with recipient's and totally hallucinatory friends' names written in puffy pen, with a note saying "For display purposes only".

Day 5: Five snails and/or dead rodents.  No no silly haha I'm not talking about giving someone just a snail or rodent.  Make sure they're dead (or not), shellack them, and glue them to cardboard. 

Day 6: Six tasers with a note saying, "So people stop rolling their eyes and falling asleep when you talk!"

Day 7:  Seven garbage bags, each clearly labeled with a different day of the week in big, glittery cut out letters.

Day 8: Eight pounds of dirt from nearest...dirt place.  Pack it into a box, tie it with ribbon, and say it's real earth from Santa's special magic garden.

Day 9: A little dixie cup, with a note saying "For when you scrape the plaque off your teeth in public and want to remember it.  Cup only holds scrapings from nine teeth".

Day 10: Collect your eye and nose boogers for 10 days.  You will need to plan ahead of time to make this work.  Squish into big ball, slap a bow on it, and tell recipient it's a toffee-flavored taffy ball.

Day 11:  A pair of forceps (both tongs representing the numeral "11"), with a note saying "For when you decide to pry the stick out of your ass".

Day 12: A bottle of weed killer, with a note saying "The perfect solution for all that pesky facial hair you have!" (No relation to the number 12)

Happy Holidays.


  1. Ha! I have a few people I could use these gift ideas for, but I'm not sure they are worth my time to even prepare such a fabulous array.

  2. I really like number 12. :)

  3. lol. you certainly have a way with descriptions. happy holidays to you too!

  4. Oh, I have a person in mind who I would LOVE to give some of these to. I long to write a post about this person. It's killing me not to share her negativity.

  5. I'm dying. This is an awesome list.

  6. You're gross. LOLOLOL. Thanks for writing this and brightening up my day!

  7. the. tears. are. streaming. down. my. face. it's mixed with some of the snot that will go towards #10.

  8. HA! Can you put a tune to this? I think it would be a big hit!

  9. this is a pretty funny post... i wonder about the stories behind it all.

  10. glad everyone had a chuckle from this post. i have to give credit to the person who inspired these ideas. not that there was someone in particular. except that there was.

  11. so wicked yet i love it! you brought some happiness to my holidays this year!

  12. I'm a big fan of #3...I know quite a few people that would benefit from that one! But, ummmm, #10 just made me throw up my Totino's Pizza Rolls.

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