Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Gift Ideas

Ever have to get a gift for someone that you kind of pretty much don't like, but the obligation exists nonetheless? Well, I have a list for you. And I'm not saying who or what inspired these ideas. Or whether the who or what even exists. I might have just been thinking about these on my own.  Except for the fact that they were a helluva lot funnier when I had someone specific in mind. Not that I did.


Anyway, make it special for them. Make it holiday-y. Oh you know what I mean. Yes--make it the 12 days of Christmas.  For someone you really don't want to care about.


Warning: you will see how nasty and mean I can be.  If you want to hold on to your impressions of me as an angel, go back to the last post about shortbread and peppermint


Day 1: A trial pack of Prozac, generic or brand-named, with a note saying "Wheeeeee!"


Day 2: Two articles of clothing you don't wear anymore, that you can "donate"  to your [person you don't like but to whom you must give a gift even though they DO NOT deserve it].  Just stick those faded sweatshirts and PJ bottoms into a box and tie 'em with ribbon--they'll never know they were used! Don't forget to spritz with Febreze. An actual washing is completely unnecessary.  The recipient (again, I won't say who) should be grateful for the injection of fashion into their lives, even if it comes into the form of sweatpants with elephants all over them. Not that I have those. I actually don't. Moving on... 


Day 3: A variety pack of three matchboxes wrapped in pretty Paper Source paper, with a note saying "For when you need to pinch a big stinky loaf".


Day 4: Four lightbulbs--one for recipient [I won't say who] and three for his/her imaginary friends--with recipient's and totally hallucinatory friends' names written in puffy pen, with a note saying "For display purposes only".


Day 5: Five snails and/or dead rodents.  No no silly haha I'm not talking about giving someone just a snail or rodent.  Make sure they're dead (or not), shellack them, and glue them to cardboard. 


Day 6: Six tasers with a note saying, "So people stop rolling their eyes and falling asleep when you talk!"


Day 7:  Seven garbage bags, each clearly labeled with a different day of the week in big, glittery cut out letters.


Day 8: Eight pounds of dirt from nearest...dirt place.  Pack it into a box, tie it with ribbon, and say it's real earth from Santa's special magic garden.


Day 9: A little dixie cup, with a note saying "For when you scrape the plaque off your teeth in public and want to remember it.  Cup only holds scrapings from nine teeth".


Day 10: Collect your eye and nose boogers for 10 days.  You will need to plan ahead of time to make this work.  Squish into big ball, slap a bow on it, and tell recipient it's a toffee-flavored taffy ball.


Day 11:  A pair of forceps (both tongs representing the numeral "11"), with a note saying "For when you decide to pry the stick out of your ass".


Day 12: A bottle of weed killer, with a note saying "The perfect solution for all that pesky facial hair you have!" (No relation to the number 12)


Happy Holidays.

20 comments:

  1. Ha! I have a few people I could use these gift ideas for, but I'm not sure they are worth my time to even prepare such a fabulous array.

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  2. lol. you certainly have a way with descriptions. happy holidays to you too!

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  3. Oh, I have a person in mind who I would LOVE to give some of these to. I long to write a post about this person. It's killing me not to share her negativity.

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  4. I'm dying. This is an awesome list.

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  5. You're gross. LOLOLOL. Thanks for writing this and brightening up my day!

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  6. the. tears. are. streaming. down. my. face. it's mixed with some of the snot that will go towards #10.

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  7. HA! Can you put a tune to this? I think it would be a big hit!

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  8. this is a pretty funny post... i wonder about the stories behind it all.

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  9. glad everyone had a chuckle from this post. i have to give credit to the person who inspired these ideas. not that there was someone in particular. except that there was.

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  10. so wicked yet i love it! you brought some happiness to my holidays this year!

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  11. I'm a big fan of #3...I know quite a few people that would benefit from that one! But, ummmm, #10 just made me throw up my Totino's Pizza Rolls.

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