Friday, September 23, 2011

Oh, Never Mind

About a year ago, when I finally decided that wearing some makeup on regular basis was a good idea for a 34-year old that looks like an 18-year old, I bought the basics.  Concealer, powder foundation, blush, lipstick, eyebrow pencil, eyeshadow, tools, and...mascara.  One of these might have been a waste of money.

Lemme tell you something about my eyelashes. They are short. They are thin. And they stick straight down onto my oily skin.  So what's a girl to do? Well, if you're like me, you'll spend money on a few expensive mascaras and an eyelash curler only to come to the realization that higher beings just did not mean for you to wear mascara.

I started with this:

It seemed fine on application--I mean, I was 34 and buying mascara for the first time, so really, what did I know.  By the end of the day (or, to be honest, by the end of a few hours), I would have raccoon eyes.  Ironically, the waterproof portion of the mascara would kick in at that point (a little late to the game, aren't ya?) and I'd have a helluva time trying to shmear the hypnotic undereye circles from my face.

After looking for help on the internet, I decided to buy an eyelash curler.  This would solve all my problems, and I would have big batty lash eyes.

No, no, that's not how this story ends.  No matter how I used this, the raccoon eyes would still appear.  Also, a note about me and this curler. I knew I was doing something wrong when I could feel pain, much like someone was tweezing out my eyelashes one by one, when I was using the curler.  The problem was that I didn't know quite how to fix the issue. I then devised an acrobatic method in order for this curler to have effect, but it is my belief that yet again, the shortness of my eyelashes were foiling me, as there just isn't much to work with. I mean, in order to get this to work, I practically had to surgically embed the curler at least 1-inch deep into my face.

So then I thought, Lancome mascara, this is your fault.  I will switch loyalties.  And I bought this:

I think when they sold me the box, they snickered and scratched out the "No" in "No Smudge".  Needless to say, this didn't work either. But I kept at it.  I thought I needed to curl my eyelashes more.  At a certain point I was so agitated that my curling efforts left my lashes going straight out of my face and then taking a sharp 90 degree turn up towards the sky. Not exactly a natural look. 

In the end I gave up, not even finishing the tube of mascara.  And I went mascara-less for a few months.  This was a good time in my life. Then for some reason I got the urge again, seeing that unused rose gold eyelash curler mocking me in the morning, to try another mascara.

So I bought this:

I used this for exactly 1 day.  When I saw the telltale raccoon rings, I knew it was a no-go. I'm trying to think of how not to let the almost full tube of mascara not go to waste. I considered becoming the world's premier mascara artist, where I brush the mascara freestyle against a canvas and sell it for 40 million bucks.

I don't think my mascara foibles speak so much as to the quality of these mascaras (because you will see tons of reviews loving them), but more about the quality of my eyelashes.  As in, not high. Maybe I'm just not meant to be a mascara-wearing lady.  It is a sobering thought to categorize oneself in an exclusionary manner, but I suppose we all must accept truths about ourselves in order to function and not rip the living daylights off our delicate undereye epidermis in efforts to deal with raccoon eyes.


  1. I wish I could help but I have zero eyelashes. Therefore, eyeliner is my specialty. Hope you find something that works for you my friend!

  2. I absolutely LOVE this mascara:

    It absolutely will not smudge, in fact, the only way it comes off is with warm water and then it comes off in eyelash-shaped fibery clumps. It's lengthening, too, but takes a few tries before you get the application just right.

    Also, most places will let you return (Even slightly used) cosmetics if you're not happy with them. Although, I'm on board with the mascara art idea!

  3. Same boat as you. Being 26 and looking 12. Short eyelashes. Raccoon eyes. I totally understand.

  4. it must be so difficult for you to be in your 30s but look 18. wow, I really feel for you.

    you should return those mascaras. show 'em the scars and denuded eye skin as proof.

  5. jessica: and you do the eyeliner so well! i could clearly learn from you.

    nerdy wife: thank you for the tips, both about the mascara and the returns!

    san jose love: glad to know i'm not the only one.

    sashacleo: i sense your sarcasm, and in return i give you sullenness.

  6. I have yet to find a mascara that doesn't leave me with raccoon eyes either. I'll be sure to let you know if I ever do! (And this is why I only wear my trusted eyeliner!)

  7. Why is it that the only people I know with long beautiful eyelashes are men? I try to curl my not-so-long lashes too, but admittedly sometimes end up with the 90 degree angle. :) I wish you luck on your mascara quest -- I hope you find the perfect mascara and share with us!

  8. I remember you telling me this, how frustrating!! I was going to say the same thing about the returns though, you should take them back. And, maybe you could try a clear mascara? It might help lengthen, but avoid the raccoon eyes.

  9. The best eyelash curler is Shu Uemura, but I don't think they carry that line in the U.S. anymore. :( Have you ever tried tube mascaras? Supposedly they work by forming little water-resistant tubes around your lashes. My mascara often smudges too, but it didn't with Clinique Lash Power. Sephora has a great return policy!

  10. I swear by Benefit's Bad Gal Lash + Shu Umera eyelash curler. I second the others who suggest taking advantage of Sephora's great return policy!

  11. thanks for all the suggestions and the empathy! i will have to check some of these out.