Crabcakes

Growing up in Maryland, blue crabs were a big thing. My family would go to the Maine Avenue Fish Market in DC (at least, that's what I think it was--dude, I was young, and just along for the ride) and visit the floating barge stalls, and buy at least a bushel of crabs.  I loved those cantankerous critters and their fresh seawater smell.  At home, my mom would boil a massive pot of crabs with plenty of Old Bay seasoning, and cook some corn on the side to boot.  We'd cover every square inch of the kitchen table with newspapers, set garbage bags at almost every seat, set out a roll of paper towels (to act as napkins), and various crab destruction tools (meat mallet, hammer, nutcracker--you name it).  When the crabs were done, they were brought to the table, nooks and crannies filled with that delicious Old Bay.


If you've eaten a blue crab, you know it's not exactly an easy feat. You have to work at it. There are multiple components, things to discard and things to eat, elusive bits of meat to pry at, methods to learn in order to crack the hard legs but not to shatter them.  You will get microscopic cuts on your hands from those pesky shells, into which the chili from the Old Bay will enter, which will make you feel very spicy.  You will work hard to clean out crab and Old Bay from under your fingernails, yet your fingertips will still carry the scent for at least a day.  


It is, for those who love the process, a ritual.  It is, for those not so into it, a pain in the ass.  It is a ritual for me, one that I love, and that I hope to enjoy again much more often now that I am back in the DC metro area.


All that being said, there is an easier, fancier way to enjoy these AWESOMELY DELICIOUS crabs. Crab cakes!  I made these last month, but with all the limbo purgatory nonsense going on in my life, I neglected to blog about them.


These are adapted from Cook's Illustrated.  


1 pound fresh jumbo lump crabmeat, picked over to remove cartilage or shell
1 tablespoon chopped fresh herb, such as cilantro, dill, basil, or parsley, or 2 tsp dried herbs (which is what I used because I didn't have fresh on hand--I understand that fresh would have been better oh would you leave me alone)
1 ½ teaspoons Old Bay seasoning 
2 to 4 tablespoons panko or plain dry bread crumbs 
¼ cup mayonnaise
2 tsp dijon mustard
Salt and ground pepper (use white ground pepper if you have it) 
1 large egg
¼ cup all-purpose flour or cornmeal
¼ cup vegetable oil 


Serves 4 to 8 (crab is pretty rich, so I can't be exact here, not that I ever am)


I used Phillips brand jumbo lump crab meat, pasteurized and sealed.  It was surprisingly delicious (I had strong suspicions beforehand).

Gently combine the the crab meat, herbs, Old Bay, 2 tablespoons bread crumbs, mustard and mayonnaise in a medium bowl.  You want to try and keep the lumps of crab as intact as possible. Season with salt and pepper to taste. 

Beat egg in a separate bowl, then gently fold into crab mixture. Gently, please.

Hehe that's not appetizing.

If the mixture is a bit wet and you can't imagine for the life of you how you'd be able to form it into cakes, then add a bit more bread crumbs or panko.  

Divide the mixture into equal parts and form them into patties about 1 1/2 inches high.  How big the patties are (the diameter) is up to you.  The original recipe called for dividing the mixture into 4 portions. I started down that road and got the feeling that I was making a crabcake the size of a birthday cake, and scaled back significantly.  I made 8 patties from this recipe--I found this led to patties small enough that they were easy to handle.  

Place the cakes on a a baking sheet lined with waxed or parchment paper; cover with plastic wrap and chill at least 30 minutes, and up to 24 hours.  

When you are ready to cook the crabbie cakes, put the flour (or cornmeal) on a plate or other shallow dish.  Heat the oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat until hot but not smoking--a nonstick skillet would be awesome here. While the oil is heating, lightly dredge the crab cakes in the flour/cornmeal (dredge only as many as can fit in the skillet--you can wait to do the others for the next batch).  

Place the dredged crab cakes in the skillet, and fry until outsides are crisp and golden brown, about 4 to 5 minutes per side.  

Serve with a wedge of lemon and whatever else it is that you decided to toss on the plate that night.

Ta-da!

Oh, Never Mind

About a year ago, when I finally decided that wearing some makeup on regular basis was a good idea for a 34-year old that looks like an 18-year old, I bought the basics.  Concealer, powder foundation, blush, lipstick, eyebrow pencil, eyeshadow, tools, and...mascara.  One of these might have been a waste of money.

Lemme tell you something about my eyelashes. They are short. They are thin. And they stick straight down onto my oily skin.  So what's a girl to do? Well, if you're like me, you'll spend money on a few expensive mascaras and an eyelash curler only to come to the realization that higher beings just did not mean for you to wear mascara.

I started with this:

Lancome Hypnose Waterproof

It seemed fine on application--I mean, I was 34 and buying mascara for the first time, so really, what did I know.  By the end of the day (or, to be honest, by the end of a few hours), I would have raccoon eyes.  Ironically, the waterproof portion of the mascara would kick in at that point (a little late to the game, aren't ya?) and I'd have a helluva time trying to shmear the hypnotic undereye circles from my face.

After looking for help on the internet, I decided to buy an eyelash curler.  This would solve all my problems, and I would have big batty lash eyes.

Tweezerman Eyelash Curler

No, no, that's not how this story ends.  No matter how I used this, the raccoon eyes would still appear.  Also, a note about me and this curler. I knew I was doing something wrong when I could feel pain, much like someone was tweezing out my eyelashes one by one, when I was using the curler.  The problem was that I didn't know quite how to fix the issue. I then devised an acrobatic method in order for this curler to have effect, but it is my belief that yet again, the shortness of my eyelashes were foiling me, as there just isn't much to work with. I mean, in order to get this to work, I practically had to surgically embed the curler at least 1-inch deep into my face.

So then I thought, Lancome mascara, this is your fault.  I will switch loyalties.  And I bought this:

Bobbi Brown No Smudge Mascara

I think when they sold me the box, they snickered and scratched out the "No" in "No Smudge".  Needless to say, this didn't work either. But I kept at it.  I thought I needed to curl my eyelashes more.  At a certain point I was so agitated that my curling efforts left my lashes going straight out of my face and then taking a sharp 90 degree turn up towards the sky. Not exactly a natural look. 

In the end I gave up, not even finishing the tube of mascara.  And I went mascara-less for a few months.  This was a good time in my life. Then for some reason I got the urge again, seeing that unused rose gold eyelash curler mocking me in the morning, to try another mascara.

So I bought this:

Urban Decay Cannonball

I used this for exactly 1 day.  When I saw the telltale raccoon rings, I knew it was a no-go. I'm trying to think of how not to let the almost full tube of mascara not go to waste. I considered becoming the world's premier mascara artist, where I brush the mascara freestyle against a canvas and sell it for 40 million bucks.

I don't think my mascara foibles speak so much as to the quality of these mascaras (because you will see tons of reviews loving them), but more about the quality of my eyelashes.  As in, not high. Maybe I'm just not meant to be a mascara-wearing lady.  It is a sobering thought to categorize oneself in an exclusionary manner, but I suppose we all must accept truths about ourselves in order to function and not rip the living daylights off our delicate undereye epidermis in efforts to deal with raccoon eyes.

Gimme My TV

Wow, enough time has passed since I last blogged that I couldn't remember how to create a new post in blogger. It wasn't instinctive, the way it used to be. Soooo looong agooo....

I've been laying low since spring because:
(1) I moved to the DC metro area;
(2) No really, it was just me, not Kevin;
(3) I'm not creative enough to blog about anything that didn't involve me blurting out that I had moved; and
(4) I couldn't blog about moving because of work issues (i.e. Kevin looking for a job).

So there you have it. Oh, there were other reasons, like that I was living in temporary quarters (thanks mom and dad!) and wasn't cooking (thanks mom and dad!).  Seems like I'm not the only making a big transition around here--in the meantime, you people got pregnant and made big moves of your own!

But now I'm back. To let you know. That I can really break it down.

Who remembers that? Who knows where that's from? Here's a hint: the next line, apropos, is Do you LOOOOVE me?

Caveat: when I said I'm "back", I mean sans camera. Which leads me to:

Mina electronics update #1: I am now one of those people who has had her camera fritz out. Now, I suppose that sort of thing will happen when you get a camera, get lazy about buying a case for it, blog for over 1 1/2 years with it, don't bother to wash your hands before taking pictures of your cooking with it, take it to Bali, London, Alaska, the Ukraine (that was Kevin), and every place in between, but it was still a blow.

We are going to get another point and shoot. I've decided against the DSLR.  It's just too much camera for my addled brain. I need something simple. Something that still has access to manual settings, ones that I don't really understand, but exist nonethelss.

Mina electronics update #2: this update assumes that you know a predicate, which is that Kevin and I both now have jobs in DC and have moved into an apartment. Wheee! Moving on. We didn't have cable the first week.  I'd love to say that we realized the benefits of living a TV-free life and that it made us appreciate each other more and we started crafting together and scripting puppet shows, but that didn't happen. We missed our TV. I mean, we survived fine and in certain ways it was nice, but I think it was tolerable because we knew the deprivation was temporary and we compensated by watching DVDs.

So we have been busy unpacking, buying furniture, buying a car, exploring our new town, unpacking, making plans to explore the area, and unpacking.  I hope to share some of these new adventures with you and to get back on the cooking wagon!

Oh, and Halloween is coming up. You know I love Halloween. So so much. I'm so excited for all.

And in case you were wondering, the pugs are as they always are--lazy and adorable.

Hello!

I haven't been able to piece together thoughts in a cohesive manner lately, preventing me from posting anything on the blog.  Let me show you what I mean.  Below is a sampling of the thoughts that have flittered throughout my mind as possible blog posts.  You'll see what treasures they are.  And you will feel blessed that I didn't write an entire post about any one of them.

Numbeeerr ONE!

I like getting massages. They are high on the list of things I like to do. I look for places that give a really good rate, usually bare-bones establishments that have only curtains separating the massage areas. For the price, I'm sure my neighbors didn't mind that one time I was snoring with the lung capacity and hibernation-type content of a black bear. Seriously, I woke myself up with the sound of my snoring.  I am entertaining.

However, sometimes I have an issue speaking up at massages if the pressure is too hard. I don't know if it has anything to do with my fear/respect of authority, or that I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, or the thought that I should toughen up and just take it in the face, etc.  In any case, I find myself in situations at these massages thinking of how I might describe the massage to someone else, like:

"I thought she was trying to separate my muscles from my bones"

"I thought if I could live through this, I will be okay when someone pummels me and throws me into the trunk of the car"

"She got on my back, on all fours, with her knees digging into the back of my knees, and started flailing her feet like she was doggy paddling, kicking me over and over and over again.  Then, I can't be sure because I was lying face down, but I'm pretty sure someone else came in and they both started kicking me" (this really happened)

"I wonder if I would feel stupid explaining to someone that my shoulder blade was broken because I refused to speak up at a massage.  You know, the massages that you pay for, presumably not to break your body"

That's that.

Nummmbbeeerrr TWO!

The pugs had diarrhea. It was a pleasure. No it was not.  I had bought them a new bag of food--not "new" in the sense of changing the brand or even the flavor--just the same replacement bag of food that I've been getting for the past couple of years.  So imagine my delightful surprise when both dogs came down with the runs.

I called the pet store and told them about my predicament (I really wanted to say "I AM DROWNING IN POOP THIS IS HUMILIATING") and they told me to come back in and exchange the food, no questions asked.  Well they did ask some questions, but it was normal stuff, like what food was the poopy culprit.  It was then that I found out that the company making the pugs' food started selling to a big chain, and that it was possible that the quality of the product had gone down in order to meet the new demand.

So of course I immediately get suckered into purchasing the most expensive pet food on earth. Okay maybe not the most expensive, but it's up there. 

Anyway, the diarrhea cleared up *like that* and we're good now. I don't have to go home each night after a work with a sense of trepidation and a gas mask, waiting to see the surprises my babies left me.

Nuummbbbeeer Three!

Kevin got me a Kindle last Christmas.  I thought of writing a post and never did. I like it. My sister bought me a hot pink cover for it. It is convenient--very light, you can get books instantly, and you're never caught finishing a book without another to start.  The screen is amazing and easy to read.  You can type in notes and make highlights, which creates this nifty little index compiling all the notes and marks that you've made--you know, the kind of index that allows you to look over your scholarly and deep deep thoughts in a way that impresses you with yourself.

It's not cost effective compared to hard copy books.  Publishers have started setting Kindle prices for their books, which are often a few bucks more than the paperback prices on Amazon. I would say screw you publishers, except that I know they're having a hard time so I will let them go.  This time.  The shivering that they were experiencing in their boots is on respite.

Do I miss the experience of reading a hard copy book? Sometimes, but surprisingly not as much as I thought. Actually, very little, and the whole holding-a-real-book was an emotional issue for me.  I think it helped that I still have some hard copy books that I plan on reading, because Kindle didn't have them available and/or I got them for a $1 at the local used book sale.  I haven't actually picked one up, though, but it's nice that they're in a huge heap near my bed.

That's it folks.

I will be back soon with more fascinating thoughts.

P.S. I have not been cooking much. And when I have, I just repeat recipes I've already posted here. I could probably post them again and no one would know the difference, but I have integrity. So much of it.

Grilled Butterflied Chicken

You will see random pictures of splayed chicken in this post, in various stages of doneness, so be prepared.

My parents' grill was recently resurrected from what was a horrid, rusty, filthy grave.  They should be ashamed of themselves.  The savior was my sister, who took one look at the grill, sprinted back inside, and promptly ordered new grill grates to be shipped the next day.  Thank you sister.  (I, on the other hand, had completely avoided the grill, knowing what I was likely to find. Not a savior.)

There were some plump, good-looking chickens at the farmers' market, and we picked one up with the thought of butterflying the chicken and cooking it on the born-again grill.  I searched the internet for grilled butterflied chicken recipes, and mostly based my recipe on the one in this blog, which was adapted from Cook's Illustrated.  I liked the recipe not only because it gave directions on how long to grill a butterflied chicken, but it also called for brining the chicken beforehand.

For the chicken and brine:

• 1 whole chicken, about 4 to 4.5 pounds
• 1 1/2 to 2 gallons of water
• 1/2 cup kosher salt
• 1/2 cup brown sugar

I also used this dry rub recipe from Saveur, but it isn't necessary.  If you click on the link, you'll see that the rub recipe has about 15,000 ingredients.  This is something that would automatically go in my "no" pile, except that my sister made the rub, not me. I used it, but I didn't make it. 

Pour a few cups of hot water into a container large enough to hold the chicken and at least a few inches of water above it.  Pour in the salt and sugar, and mix until the granules dissolve.  I added in a couple of bay leaves, just for kicks.  Place your chicken into the container.  I also read that you should put ice in the mixture so the temp lowers and discourages bacteria. So I did that. 

Pour in enough water (start with a gallon and go from there, depending on the size of your pot and chicken) to cover.  Then I covered the whole thing and put it in the fridge for about 4 hours.

Tip 1: you can start this process with a frozen chicken.  The brining thaws out the chicken very quickly.

Tip 2: don't quote me on this, but I wouldn't brine the chicken for more than 4-5 hours.  After that, the solution breaks down the meat too much and it may become mushy.

When you're ready to move on to the next step, heat your grill to medium high (if you have a charcoal grill, I get the impression that medium high means that you can hold your hand about 5 inches from the grill for about 4-5 seconds before your hand melts--this is why I use a gas grill).  

After brining, remove the chicken and pat dry with paper towels.  Discard brining solution.  Now get to butterflying that chicken.  I previously gave vague and unhelpful directions on how to butterfly a chicken in this post, so if you'd like to be unhelped again, please click on that link. (I did link to a different site that has more specific directions on butterflying, which is more helpful.)  Basically you take poultry shears and cut along each side of the backbone, remove the backbone, and flatten out that sucker chicken.  You may need to make a vertical slit/crack along the breastbone with your knife in order to help this along.

Some recipes at this point would have you cover the chicken with plastic wrap and pound with a heavy object to achieve an even, flat layer of chicken, but that sounded like too much work and shit, I just butterflied a chicken, isn't that enough.

Season well on both sides with salt and pepper. I used the infinity ingredient dry rub, which had salt and pepper in it.

Slap the chicken, skin side down, on the grill.  It should sizzle a little.  Mine didn't. Apparently we were running out of propane, which caused all kinds of issues, like dinner taking about twice as long as it should have to cook.  C'est la vie.  Turn the heat down to medium.

Cover and cook for about 15 minutes, until the skin is nice, crispy and golden.  Flip it over.

My chicken start to try and shimmy out of its skin.  This may have had to do with some inadvertent mistargeted butchery on my part.

Cover and cook for about 12 more minutes, or until the breast meat is about 165 degrees and the thigh meat is 185 degrees.  Or, you can be like me and ruthlessly hack into it with a paring knife to see if the juices are clear (done) or still pink (not done).  Cutting into meat at this stage is typically a no-no because the juices run out but when it comes to E. coli, I choose hacking.

It was at this point that the propane, unbeknownst to me, really started to run out, and the chicken was just not cooking that well.  I severed the thighs/legs from the rest of the body to speed up cooking, but hopefully you won't have to engage in this sort of amputation.  If you do, though, just do it with love, okay?

Cook, you damn chicken, cook.

When the chicken is fully cooked, set it on a cutting board and let it rest for about 5-10 minutes before cutting into it.  This wait seemed somewhat symbolic at this point on account of the previously-referenced hacking.  See evidence below.

I spy a gouge in the leg, multiple stab wounds in the breast, and general gross dismemberment.

But it was tasty nonetheless.  The brine gave it a lot of flavor and juiciness, and the rub was excellent.

Ta-da!

Cranberry Bean Bruschetta

Way back when, my sister introduced me to cranberry beans and a lovely little snack made with said beans.  She simmered the cranberry beans with garlic and water (and bacon or parmesan rind or tomato or...this recipe is flexible) with a sprinkling of sage at the end--perfect for topping little slices of toasted baguette.  The beans take a bit unfairly long to cook, at least 40 minutes, but if you have time, the result is savory and delicious.

So whenever I see healthy cranberry beans at the grocery store or farmers' market, I grab a bunch to make this cranberry bean topping.  Haha that's a lie. I love how that sentence made me seem like this person that cheerfully roams around markets with a cute little basket on her arm, blissfully caressing all the produce, having a little go-to recipe for each vegetable that she can make in her sleep. Whatever.  In the 10 years or so since my sister showed me this dish, I've made it about 4 times.  How's that for frequency.

You'll need:

• 3/4 lb to 1 lb of fresh cranberry beans in the pod
• Enough water or chicken stock to cover beans in small pot
• 1 to 2 garlic cloves, smashed
• About a 2-inch square piece of parmesan or one slice of bacon, diced
• 1 or 2 plum tomatoes, seeded and diced
• About 5 medium-sized sage leaves, thinly sliced
• Baguette slices, about 1/4-inch thick and toasted

Shuck your cranberry beans (is it shucking beans? Some other term? I don't know.).  Never seen a cranberry bean? Here you go.

Beautiful, aren't they? Well, enjoy those cranberry stripes while they last, they disappear in the cooking.

Place beans in a small pot with enough water to cover by 1/2 inch. Throw in the garlic cloves.  I threw in the parmesan later because I initially forgot it, but this would be the time to put in the parmesan rind or bacon (or hell, both).

Turn heat to high until water is boiling, then lower heat to a simmer.  Simmer, covered, for about 40 minutes or until beans are tender, checking every once in a while to make sure water doesn't get too low.

When beans are tender but not mushy, throw in the diced tomato.

Simmer, uncovered, for about 15 more minutes until the mixture is a nice brown color, and everything looks melded together.  Fish out the parmesan rind, if using, since it will be a floppy mess by now.

Sprinkle with sage, and load that topping on your crostini. Or bruschetta. I don't know the difference. I am talking out of my ass.

You can make this with other beans as well, and with dried beans. But don't expect me to give you directions on that.  I've only made this 4 times.

Ta-da!

Melting...Just Melting...

It's been hot here.  Very hot. And humid.  I haven't been cooking that much, partly because it's too hot to cook, but also because it's hard to cook when you're melting.

Just take a look at the effects of this muggy weather.

Can't lift head, momma. So heavy.  Everything is melting.

Okay, momma, now you're squeezing too hard.

The heat is oppressing me into absolute torpor.

The humidity makes my wrinkles swell.  Do they look too big to you?

I'm officially melted.  Only copious amounts of blueberries shoved into my mouth can save me at this point.  I'll just leave you with that nugget of knowledge.